Cancer spiral

“This is a hard time prior to your surgery. I know the surgery is scary and so is cancer. For me, part of what helped me was the thought that there are things out of my control and worrying about them does me no good. I was very scared going into my surgery and after it I was like I was scared for no reason. 

I know it may not help, but I love you. I am thinking about you. I am sending you good vibes (as if I know how to do that).
You are strong enough. I definitely thought about coming up for your surgery.” 

“Is it bad that I needed you? I can do it on my own I know because I must. Maybe I’m just breaking. Crying on the ferry. Lovely. I laugh because life feels so absurd.”

“Not bad. I am sorry I am not there for you physically.”

“Well, I read that grief affects the heart and can do actual physical damage to the second ventricle. So, my grief is pretty heavy… I may die.”

“You will NOT die!!! I forbid it,” Bowie insisted.

“Why?! You’ll join me there eventually 🙂”

“You will make it through this. I will tell them. Did you make it back yet?”

“Just got off the ferry. Trying to grab a quick bite as I have to fast for an MRI.”

“Have to fast starting when?”

“In 30 minutes,” I said.

“For MRI? Wire today?”

“MRI today. Wire tomorrow.” The doctor had ordered for a wire to be inserted into my breast and it would hang out of me until surgery.

“Just after the MRI appointment,” I texted Bowie. Done, almost broke into tears, but I kept hearing what you told me. Let go of what I can’t control.”

“So all done. I guess that’s what “done” means. Haha Over one hurdle 🫂 Love you. I know all this is hard and I know you know that I know how it feels to do all of those tests and this stuff looming in the future and what that holds and what’s going to happen. I get it. I know what it’s like to live like that. I know how you’re feeling I guess in some ways. I’m sorry I can’t be there to help but please know I will be there with you, will be thinking about you and I’m here when you need to talk about anything.” Bowie really helped being there and having been through so much in recent years with his illness, I knew he was trying to be there for me.

Later that night into the early hours, I began to start crying again. I was emotionally exhausted. So, I began texting Bowie while he slept. “It’s 2:30am. It’s been a rough night. I’m going to look weak to you for the next couple of lines. I’m scared of the future. My life feels like it’s crumbled down to nothing. I’m struggling to see the light I can shine for everyone else.”

I lost the man I’ve truly loved and who still loves me. I’m trying to figure out what I’m healing and fighting for. And I’m really fucking sad.

And I may look different to you after saying these things like I’m not strong enough, but I’m feeling so defeated. Every single door in my life has closed on me.

I’m a good person. I don’t understand. I’m afraid to make any more decisions because the doors close. U turned in every direction. I’m scared to open a door to have it close on me.

Despite my friend base, I’ve never felt so alone. All I asked the universe for was to live my life. And I can’t catch a break, Bowie aka Butthead. I feel so lost.

And all I want is a hug from you to say it’s okay. Like I did with you all those times, but I’m fucking 1900 miles away. And hurting just like your stupid song, Broken over You.
Don’t hug emoji. It’s not what I truly need. I can’t hold all of this alone anymore. Try not to see me as weak,” I pleaded.

I’m sorry, rough night. I don’t want to burden you,” I wrote. It was long winded and I needed to unload it. This cancer shit was no joke. I was able to get a few hours of sleep before Bowie’s message came through.

“Good morning. It is no burden. I definitely do not see you as weak. I know the feeling of defeat, in different ways, but I certainly at times feel like what is there to fight for, and feelings of being lost and not knowing what I should do. I do know that you love me, you show it in many ways, and it does help me to hang on when I don’t feel like it. I hope you know I love you too. I don’t know where our story goes, but I don't feel like it is at its end either.”

“Morning. Thank you. I just hurt today. And I can’t stop it. I guess I have to find a way to sit in it. Love you B, you have been my anchor in this.”

“Hurt physically from surgery?”

“Mental hurts more than physical, so it’s over shadowing the pain. I will go back on the traumacet today. Tears just keep coming. I can’t stop them.”

“I am sorry. :( Is there anything I can do to help you?” He asked.

“I know you’re there. I am going to try to hold onto our life saver. Lately, each time it feels like it’s a little harder to get back up. I’m trying. Just keep getting the wind knocked out of me. But I know you know and I don’t know why we both face these similarities after everything. But I’m grateful to know you’re there when I try to get back up. You make me laugh. I don’t take how I feel after sparring with you playfully for granted. Hearing your voice or you giving me shit lifts my spirits.”

“Would you be up for a call tonight?” He asked.

“I think so. Thank you Bowie.” I caught a tear that fell and blew my nose. I was a mess.

“I love you, I will call you later,” Bowie texted.

“I love you too,” I wrote.