Tell me It’s going to be okay

I knew I had to finish what I started and go back down to Texas. I needed someone to tell me it was okay. I was scared. I told my brain it was for a sabbatical to finish my book series and work. I know I needed a move in date to give me direction and a deadline for me to cope and see the light. 

I decided to leave a message with Jo instead of calling. I couldn’t muster up the energy to call. I needed to breathe. I found myself smoking a cigarette I only did in emergency cases when I needed to think and look out at the abyss. I know, cancer and a cigarette isn’t exactly a winning combination. But I felt alone, deeply alone and when one is alone with only their thoughts, life suddenly feels extremely complicated. 

I asked Dylan for support and it added to the fear I was already feeling as he said, “I can’t be alone. I am older now, stroke, a fall, or something happens, who do you turn to?”

I said, “I don’t think I will have anyone and that’s so not okay to say right now. I need support.” His words were not wrong, my heart couldn’t hold anything more. Tears filled my eyes as I exhaled the last bit of smoke and pressed record for Jo.

                                      “Hey, Jo. I don’t have the energy to call. Just going tosay, I’m not doing all that great. I know you’re coming over this weekend to help me organize my clothes, but I wanted to vent a little. I am going to apply to an apartment tomorrow and it looks like July - September I will have a move in date. It’s a good thing. At least I will work towards a   date, but this is a lot for me. I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t know whether to start crying or just not get out of bed. I feel so much grief. It’sso heavy. I can’t conceive having lost all of the people I have this year, those still fighting, my own cancer battle, facing this change, which I need to do, but I am overwhelmed. Like completely stretched. Like that capacity thing we’ve gone over, yeh… that is so far over done. I know I have to take the consequences and I have to face myself in this. I just feel alone. Dylan said, can’t you get help down there. I said, no, I am moving somewhere new. It’s not like I have people down there. Although I realize Bowie is there, I know I am on my own in this and I don’t want to ask or lean on him. I know what you’re going to say. But I just can’t. I don’t know how. Or I am just so over the top, I can’t think clearly right now. Okay, I think I am going to stop this voice message because I have no idea if I even made any sense. I hope you are doing well. Love ya lady. Talk soon.” 

I couldn’t get my heart to stop racing, however since all of the stress after surgery, I have not been able to regulate like I used to. I’ve heard with cancer patients this is normal for their nervous system to feel dysregulated, but I am desperate to get it back. It’s causing so much pain and anxiety. Today, I was doubled over for most of the day in pain. I have such a high pain tolerance, I couldn’t believe that not even my emergency pain killer worked. I am frustrated as I am strong and need to get myself back up and running like I used to. However, I think with the endless pile of heartbreak, losses, illness, including my second dog last week, I am exasperated. There is so much to think about, so much to do and yet I am still recovering and holding way more than one should. 

I miss having that person. I can see now why so many realize how lonely it can be without having another person to be present when things get tough or even on quiet nights. 

Two and a half years ago, I asked the universe to let me feel everything.

Last night, I asked something different.

"Can I feel happiness again? Or at least feel okay? Because I'm really tired."