The Crack

I blankly stared at my partner, who was also my best friend.
“I think we need to open up this relationship.”

I don’t think anyone can get any more direct than I did that day. My mind had already been reeling for the prior eight months of healing from my surgery, thinking about living my life and all of the things I wanted to do. Whatever I was going through, I knew he and I had been in a rut for too long.

I was cooking up to four meals a day for hockey billets, being a hockey mom, a mom to a son with severe special needs, a mom to several cats, two dogs, and 40-plus fish, and a wife. Life was starting to burn me out. The burnout felt like I had reached for the emergency exit and ran out the door. Meanwhile, I had no idea how to get back or if I even could.

He was shocked, I knew. At first, he tried to be into the idea. We had always been somewhat progressive in our relationship, something we both respected about one another. We were free and comfortable with each other, sexually and otherwise. He knew my appetite for life, and he knew there was no stopping me once I had decided on a direction. This didn’t stop him from challenging me as we moved through the rules.

Rules:
I was not to have an emotional tie to anyone.
We were to communicate openly about anyone we might see or date.
No one was to come to the house.
Possible couples counselling.

At the time, I was a classic avoidant, meaning I could shut those feelings away somewhere inside. So I thought, this should be easy, and I can just figure life out as we go along.

Uh, no.

A partner navigating hurt and the possibility of the love of his life realizing she needed to get out for a while was not going to be easy for either of us.

“Can’t we heal together?” he asked.

If you remember, he was unaware I had already run through the emergency exit. And as much love as I had for him, I had turned off any ability to feel what I needed in order to meet him where he was. My body went into safety mode, and I was numb and checked out.

Lesson? Do not open a relationship on a cracked foundation.