You stayed

I could feel the warmth of the tears that began to stream down my cheeks. I wiped one side with the back of my hand. Bowie sat across in the corner of the couch and I turned to face him. All was lost at this point, my protective shield was gone and I felt myself completely torn open. If he was going to see what I had been through, it seemed like it was going to be now.

“What’s going on?” he asked. I could see he was split into feeling too much. He had the slightly overwhelmed expression mixed into the why is she hurting so badly into the how do I fix this into the feeling badly for whatever he thought may be coming. 

“I sat there alone for most of the time. 4 walls. Just me. Sliced and diced, up and down my body. 3 drains hanging out of my breast and abdomen. Barely able to walk. A reconstructed breast I was desperately hoping wouldn’t die. Split open from hip to hip. New belly button. 5 lymph nodes gone.” I stopped to try and catch my breath. He moved toward me with his arms out.

“I know,” he said softly, looking at me.

“No, you don’t. I needed you,” I pleaded.

“I thought about it, over and over, that I should fly up,” he said. 

“I needed you,” I whispered. He pulled me into him and held onto me. I cried more, catching my breath against his chest. Tears puddling onto his shoulder. My hands clung onto him as he had finally become my life saver, the one we always reminded each other of when things became too much.

“I know,” he said quietly. He held onto me until my tears slowed. I pulled back.

“I’m going to get in my pajamas,” I said walking to the bathroom where I shut the door, turned on the fan and silently cried. My body had finally unmasked my cancer, my hurt, my fears and I gave in. 

Within a couple of minutes, Bowie was already at my door, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I said, rushing to clean up my face. I put my pajamas on and decided to go outside to breathe for a moment. “Bowie, I’m just going to take a five and give you space.”

“But I don’t want space,” he said. This surprised me. I didn’t expect him to not need a breather. In the past, I always let him have some time as I knew emotional conversations could be difficult for him.

“Well, I’m taking 5 anyways,” I called back.

“Okay, but I don’t need it,” he reassured me. The warmth of the desert winds engulfed me. I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the giant cockroach racing across the dirt in front of me. The sky was illuminated in stars and a sliver of a moon. I took a deep, long breath and let it out. The heaviness began to drift. When I walked back in, Bowie was on the couch with a show ready to watch. I sat down beside him. He looked at me for a little while. I looked at him.

“You stayed.”

“I stayed.”