Let the Chips Fall Where They May…

A few weeks had passed and we were texting every day. I woke up to him and would fall asleep to him. We had created our own space. 

I found out the photo on his profile was when he was my age and we were really eleven years apart. He was fifty five..

“I want a recent photo of you. Now that I know you’re an ol’ man,” I joked.

“I’m not an old man,” he shot back. “But yeh, I’ll send you one.”

“Good, then I can see what I think,” I smiled. I liked keeping him on his toes. There was something about him where I could just… be myself. 

I sat in my car at the coffee house parking lot, impatiently waiting.

“Okay, here it goes. I’m not so crazy about the photo,” he texted. A photo came through. I stared. Fingernail pressed to my bottom lip, smiling for what felt like too long.

He had wavy short, grayish, blonde hair. The same pose as his profile, a smile with his finger pressed up against his temple. One earring and three beaded bracelets like mine. Black fitted tee. His bluish hazel eyes cut through his black -rimmed glasses. He looked younger than I expected. There was an edge to him. A spirit in his eyes. Quick witted humor in his smile. 

Funny, what you can tell about a person from a simple photo.

“And?” He was eager.

“And what?” I replied, fully aware of what he wanted. He could wait. 

“And what do you think of the photo?” he asked. I was zooming in checking out every detail. His hands were big. I sat looking at his fingers curled just over his bearded chin.

“How tall are you?” I asked.

“I was 6’1…maybe 6’ feet now. You?” 

“About a foot shorter than you,” I laughed. 

“So, you’re a fiery, smart ass little red head,” he said.

“Really? ‘Cause you’re not far behind in the ass department,” I retorted still staring at his eyes.

“So now I am an ass?” he said.

“Yup, but I’m a smart ass. You said it yourself.”

“I did indeed,” he laughed. “And you’re still not going to tell me what you think of the photo?”

“Will you get a big head?” I teased.

“Which head are we talkin’ about?” he sent  with a wink.

“Honestly? You’re hot. Like, really.” I surprised myself how much I meant it. I wanted nothing more than to touch him in real life. To look into those eyes.

“As are you,” he said.

“Thank you,” I smiled. 

Then… this happened.

“There’s something I need to tell you. I’m scared you will change your mind about me.” I froze. What could it be? He was scared I would run?

“Okay. Tell me,” I wrote hesitantly. What if this changed everything? My mind was racing.

“First thing,” he began. 

“First thing? There’s more than one thing?” I shot back.

“Yes, two things,” he wrote. I suddenly felt a drop in my stomach. 

“Let the chips fall where they may.” Sigh, this was not going to be light information. I waited biting my coffee straw nervously, my heart thumping a bit faster. “Ready?”

“Not really, but go,” I held my breath. The dots fluctuated as he wrote.

“I’ve been in a long term relationship, but obviously I wouldn’t be on here if we were in a better place. And, you were unexpected.” Okay, I can handle that. I am just figuring my life out too. Breathe, this isn’t too bad.

“I am coming out of a long relationship myself,” I wrote.

“I figured,” he said. I could tell. “You sound like a mother the way you write and how warm you are,” he said.

“I am. I have two older teenagers,” I shared.

“I have three adult kids,” he said. “And now for the second reason.”This other thing is bigger, again, let the chips fall where they may.” My chest tightened. “I have an illness. There’s no cure. They’ve informed me I’m terminal, but I don’t know what the timeline looks like. Right now, I’m okay.” 

My world fell silent. I read the message again. He’s terminal? He must’ve felt the shift in me. 

He continued, “It’s a heart thing. I create too many proteins and am in treatment to slow it down. Last year I had a bone marrow transplant.” Fuck me, a bone marrow transplant. Of course, this was it, someone I already had intense feelings for and now everything felt heavy and not just for me, I knew for him, just having to share it.  “So…” he texted waiting for my response.

“Okay.” For once, I didn’t have the words. I sat there staring at his last message.